Mindful Monday Exercises

Mindful Monday 7/25/22:

Why, and how, to forgive are two very important questions to answer. Many of us carry hurts and traumas from our past that continue to impact us today. Here are some tips on how to work through forgiveness.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Forgiveness is not about finding excuses for the offending person's behavior or pretending it didn't happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply-lies like, I am defeated or I'm not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.

2. Become "forgivingly fit"

To practice forgiveness, it may help to start slowly with small routines and build these up over time. Much like you would build up a physical workout routine. You´re becoming ¨forgivingly fit¨. You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm-in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who've hurt you. You don't have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart. It can also help to adopt a loving mindset toward humanity in general. You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters-like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it's unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy-extending care when someone harms you-in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.

3. Address your inner pain

It's important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don't need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you. To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life-your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself-and rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start. There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one's ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it's important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.

4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.

You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you-from early child through adulthood-or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either. Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

So who do you need to forgive? Can you start today?